Christmas Pictures = Fail
Why are kids always terrible when it comes to getting a decent photograph. Ariana usually loves taking pictures, not today. She decided that she would not be looking at the camera unless she was holding her cookies. We even tried bribing the girl with ornaments. Sadly it did not work. I got one photo of them that looks good out of 171. LOL
I went ahead and prettified some of them. I am going to try round 2 when I get home tomorrow.
Today is Ariana’s 1st birthday. I am so happy and so proud of her. I love her so much. We are going to get her some cake and let her just eat it all to herself. She has a pretty birthday girl dress. She is probably not going to remember, but I will. After all that’s why I will be taking tons of pictures. I want her to see them when she gets older. I have pictures of my 1st birthday, I even have the video but it is on BETA format. Boo to that because I cannot find a working BETA VCR.
Tick Tock
Gah, Time is flying by. I have a bunch of bow made, I just need to work on some headbands. I already worked on some product cards and some business cards. I will leave you with some pictures.
Bottle Cap Images
Princess Tiana Bottle Cap Images
I have made these for some of Ariana’s hair bows. I will be offering them free for a lucky reader on a random day, so check back often.
You can buy them here for $1.34: I will email them to you within 24 hours of receipt of payment.
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Craft Fair
I am so busy preparing for my craft fair that is on Thursday and Friday. I am seeing that I am running low on supplies. I need to make a quick run to the LA garment district. I have seen some very good deals out there, some stuff is too big to bring back over here. I wish I would have known about a Los Angeles Moving Company that would bring stuff home to me. I found Los Angeles Movers. I am so excited now that I know of a source that would bring the big stuff home to me.
Read MoreClosure
There is no beginning. I have few and far memories of him. The only memories that I have are good ones. People tell me that it’s good that those are the moments that I do remember, and that I am lucky that I do not remember the bad ones. I don’t really think that is true. I guess with bad memories I would have easily justified the absence. The good memories are bitter sweet because they are just that: Memories. I often ask myself what life would be like if he would have been around. Would I have gone through the things that I did? Would I have seen the things that I did? Would my brother be where he is now?
I guess I will never have the answer to those questions. I do not feel sad, I do not feel happy. I am left with nothing. No anger, no tears, not a happy feeling over his death, absolutely nothing…
I always played out this moment in my head. How much better it would make me feel knowing that he was finally gone, and with him gone my feelings of abandonment would go along with him. How foolish of me to think this way. On the contrary I now have more questions than answers. I have pretty much known for years that I would never get an answer because of his dementia, but still I had hope for the possibility that one day I would get the answers.
I always knew that we have half brothers and sisters, that was never a secret. However we only saw them on holidays and such. We heard from them that we were lucky to have him stay as long as he did, because with them it was a brief stay. I often think, if he did love us so much why didn’t he stay? Even after he left, he at the very least could have made an effort to keep in touch. One of the things that really got to me as a child were the times he would call and say that he would be picking us up. We would wake up early with anticipation. The sun would come up and then it would go down, with no sight of him, not even a call to explain why he had not shown up. I caught on fast, my brothers on the other hand would wait for days. It chokes me up to even think about it now. I am 24 years old and I still have dreams about his. How can you do that to your children?
I remember when I saw him after he got really sick, he could hardly remember where he was. I felt a little bit of satisfaction to know that he had dementia. I know that sounds sick but, I always thought it was pay back for all of the bad that he had done. I know that it sounds horrible, as I type this I now realize that was pretty harsh of me.
Fast forward a couple of years, I saw him again. We thought he would die that week. We had to call the Red Cross to get my brother to California. He could no longer walk or talk. He did not remember anyone, except me and my brothers. As soon as he saw me, he closed his eyes and repeatedly shook his head. At that moment I could see that he knew that he knew was wrong for leaving us. He held on to my hand so tight. I was so angry. I though, why now? What could you possible want from me now? I was not prepared for the emotions that I felt. I was not prepared to see my brother hurt as much as he did when he saw him in that condition. It was a blur, but him closing his eyes and shaking his head is burned into my memory.
Well almost 2 years later, he finally died. I was not planning on going to the services, but out of respect for my mother I will go along with her and my brother. It’s on Wednesday. I took last Thursday, Friday off from work, it has really given me a lot of time to process all of this. Hopefully I will not need Thursday and Friday off again.
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Maddie
