Tick Tock
Gah, Time is flying by. I have a bunch of bow made, I just need to work on some headbands. I already worked on some product cards and some business cards. I will leave you with some pictures.
Bottle Cap Images
Princess Tiana Bottle Cap Images
I have made these for some of Ariana’s hair bows. I will be offering them free for a lucky reader on a random day, so check back often.
You can buy them here for $1.34: I will email them to you within 24 hours of receipt of payment.
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Craft Fair
I am so busy preparing for my craft fair that is on Thursday and Friday. I am seeing that I am running low on supplies. I need to make a quick run to the LA garment district. I have seen some very good deals out there, some stuff is too big to bring back over here. I wish I would have known about a Los Angeles Moving Company that would bring stuff home to me. I found Los Angeles Movers. I am so excited now that I know of a source that would bring the big stuff home to me.
Read MoreClosure
There is no beginning. I have few and far memories of him. The only memories that I have are good ones. People tell me that it’s good that those are the moments that I do remember, and that I am lucky that I do not remember the bad ones. I don’t really think that is true. I guess with bad memories I would have easily justified the absence. The good memories are bitter sweet because they are just that: Memories. I often ask myself what life would be like if he would have been around. Would I have gone through the things that I did? Would I have seen the things that I did? Would my brother be where he is now?
I guess I will never have the answer to those questions. I do not feel sad, I do not feel happy. I am left with nothing. No anger, no tears, not a happy feeling over his death, absolutely nothing…
I always played out this moment in my head. How much better it would make me feel knowing that he was finally gone, and with him gone my feelings of abandonment would go along with him. How foolish of me to think this way. On the contrary I now have more questions than answers. I have pretty much known for years that I would never get an answer because of his dementia, but still I had hope for the possibility that one day I would get the answers.
I always knew that we have half brothers and sisters, that was never a secret. However we only saw them on holidays and such. We heard from them that we were lucky to have him stay as long as he did, because with them it was a brief stay. I often think, if he did love us so much why didn’t he stay? Even after he left, he at the very least could have made an effort to keep in touch. One of the things that really got to me as a child were the times he would call and say that he would be picking us up. We would wake up early with anticipation. The sun would come up and then it would go down, with no sight of him, not even a call to explain why he had not shown up. I caught on fast, my brothers on the other hand would wait for days. It chokes me up to even think about it now. I am 24 years old and I still have dreams about his. How can you do that to your children?
I remember when I saw him after he got really sick, he could hardly remember where he was. I felt a little bit of satisfaction to know that he had dementia. I know that sounds sick but, I always thought it was pay back for all of the bad that he had done. I know that it sounds horrible, as I type this I now realize that was pretty harsh of me.
Fast forward a couple of years, I saw him again. We thought he would die that week. We had to call the Red Cross to get my brother to California. He could no longer walk or talk. He did not remember anyone, except me and my brothers. As soon as he saw me, he closed his eyes and repeatedly shook his head. At that moment I could see that he knew that he knew was wrong for leaving us. He held on to my hand so tight. I was so angry. I though, why now? What could you possible want from me now? I was not prepared for the emotions that I felt. I was not prepared to see my brother hurt as much as he did when he saw him in that condition. It was a blur, but him closing his eyes and shaking his head is burned into my memory.
Well almost 2 years later, he finally died. I was not planning on going to the services, but out of respect for my mother I will go along with her and my brother. It’s on Wednesday. I took last Thursday, Friday off from work, it has really given me a lot of time to process all of this. Hopefully I will not need Thursday and Friday off again.
New baby
I have not had a chance to sit down and blog in a while. I have been busy with this crazy life of mine. I guess laziness and sleepiness can be blamed on the lack of posts too. I have been a busy bee preparing for the Christmas season making bows because I am hoping to get a spot at the hospitals Christmas sale. I need to remember to call. Most craft fairs are booked far in advance, so hopefully I can still get in.
In new baby news: My best friend had her baby last night. He is so adorable so tiny and so pink. He loves to cuddle. I got to hold him he is so precious. I then came home and spent time with my kiddos. They are just a bunch of loud kids. Ariana is always screaming her head off, and Jovan yelling at his DS, lol. I made myself some yummy rice that I made from chicken we got from Juan Pollo. It was so delicious. I got sick a little after I ate it, so sadly I will not be taking it for lunch tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is get sick at work.
We are thinking of buying a closet organizer, I have seen some at Lowe’s. At our apartment we had a walk in closet with two rows of hanger rods, I want to try and recreate that here. I am sure it would not be that expensive. We badly need it because our clothes are exploding out of the close. I cant even see all of the clothes, I have to pull them apart to see whats wedged in between. I think I need that show Clean House, lol. That would be nice, I LOVE the redesign and organization they provide.
I have been procrastinating with everything not only because I have been busy but because, I have caught up watching all my shows on Hulu. I am completely caught up with The Office, Parks & Recreation, Bones and White Collar. Whew it only took 2 days, lol. We were up late into the night catching up, it was fun though and well worth it.
Its getting late so I am going to watch some TV and dose off to sleep. LOL
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Maddie
