Keeping it together

It’s hard to not cry about my mom. I find myself thinking about her last moments over and over. I see myself in the elevator waiting for the doors to open, while hearing the code blue announced on the intercom. I see myself  running down the hallway to her room, I see the code team surrounding her. I hear myself screaming stop, it felt like time stood still as I saw the people moving away from her. The second hand on that clock moved so slow after they stopped the CPR.

It’s even harder to think about since I was getting everything ready at home for her to come home. I still find it unreal. I know that the second that I cry, that I am not going to stop. I have kind of taken a step back and trying to rest. Trying to pick up the pieces, the pieces of my life. I have not been to work for two weeks. E-mails have gone unread and phone calls have been missed and not returned. I have no desire to speak to anyone. Unreal. That is the only word that comes to mind.

I made her memorial cards to give out at the funeral, I even made her arrangements for the service and some for her casket. I had a hard time realizing why I was making the arrangements. I was glad to see everyone that went to her funeral service. My coworkers showed up too, that was very nice.

Sleep has been pretty much impossible, I need to listen to music non stop to sleep. I have to thank Lana Del Rey for the sleep her music has provided.